Most fallen

Every morning, I make it a habit to meditate upon all the wrong I had done to others. I go over them one by one, starting with the people closest to me, my family, my relatives, my friends. Doing this, I realize, and am reminded in the process, that I had inflected pain on almost all of them in one way or another. Then I go over the people outside my intimate circle, people I had encountered in school, in work, or just someone walking by the street. I try to recall what I may have done. There are so many people I have hurt, so much pain inflicted, and that's just for my classmates in elementary school. And what about all the people who didn't even know that I've offended them? Like mentally criticizing a person walking by, or talking stink behind someone's back, or taking advantage of someone while they are unaware. And that's just for human beings. As a kid, how many dogs, cats, have I kicked with or without reason? How many times have I burned down or flood up an anthill? How many times have I roasted dragon flies on a stake or ripped them apart just to see how they'd react? How many murdered animals have I consumed in my lifetime? And that's just when I was a kid. A lot of living entities have suffered, a lot of hearts were broken because I got none. 

But the worse thing is that in spite of all I had done, I can still make myself believe that I am holy, I am better than others, I have the right to judge, I am sinless. And that is my disease. This is the reason why I am not tasting love for God and others. This arrogance hardened my heart. A hard heart that is so quick to anger, so masterful in defending one's pride. A heart so sensitive to faults by others but so tolerant of his own faults. 

My teacher said that this anger towards those who have done us wrong comes from the feeling that we are worthy. That we deserve better. We deserve to be treated with more respect. We deserve a better situation. Etc. And this is also possible only because of our forgetfulness of our own faults. I am faultless therefore it is only right that I be treated with the manner according to my greatness. 

Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu in His 3rd prayer, clearly stated the qualifications of a great personality: he is humble, he is tolerant, he is always ready to offer all respect to others without expecting respect in return, and he is feeling lower than the straw in the street. In other words, this person described feels he is the most unqualified, the most sinful, the most fallen. When one is in this state of mind, my teacher continued, no matter what wrong or evil may come to him he will feel no anger.  Because he is always aware of his faults, he feels in his heart that the wrongs he had done to others far surpasses the wrongs he is suffering. Therefore he feels he deserve, not to have a better situation, but the suffering he is receiving. Being in this state of mind of feeling the most fallen, feeling the most unqualified, he is actually qualified. 

When we become angry at our situation, or hold anger towards somebody, my teacher further stated, we are eventually angry at God, because He is the Supreme controller. Why did He allow this to happen to me of all people? Why did He allow jerks to walk the earth? Etc. In this way, feeling that God is our enemy we are denied of the opportunity to experience being under His shelter by loving surrender: I am the most fallen, I have no where else to go, with my sins no one can love me unconditionally like You do, You are my only rest and refuge, please protect me.